Saturday, July 27, 2013 we were headed to a late afternoon birthday party for the triplets of a friend at the Padonia Swim Club. We were very excited because the whole family was invited and we loved that we'd get to all be together for the fun! As we drove into the parking lot, I remember saying to Austin, "wow, the baby just kicked me hard a lot in my cervix". At the time, I didn't know that would be the last kicks I'd ever feel again. :(
We jumped out and spread out at the various pools to swim and splash and play. About an hour in, the evening thunderstorm came but it didn't crash our party because we hid under a giant pavilion and the club had face painting artists there. The kids ended up over the next hour getting art all over their cheeks, arms, legs, back. We were in our swim suits so lots of skin was showing. I asked for just one. A flower on my round, pregnant belly for BG7 (Baby Groves 7). They obliged and it is a beautiful photo I will never stop cherishing.
Body painted flower at the time Samuel left us.
The next day we were busy, busy and I was moving around so much I didn't pay much attention to the fact I didn't feel anything. I woke up at 2AM and it hit me.... I haven't felt the baby move since.. since... since..... Saturday night at the swim club! I panicked because just 9 months before Gabriel died in the second trimester and I delivered him at 17 weeks of pregnancy. Was this happening all over again? Surely, not. I mean, I was healthier and the car accident (a teen recklessly ran a stop sign at the mall and broad-sided our minivan with me driving and the four kids inside... I had a seatbelt bruise and severe pain) was 8 days ago. Surely, he's fine and I'm just over-worried. So, I get out my doppler that morning and I can't find the heart rate. Yes, I had an anterior placenta and it was difficult but I was 18 weeks pregnant. The heart beat should be found fairly easily at this gestational age. We called Austin's father over to watch the kids for us because he was newly retired.
We made the same drive to Sinai hospital to see our perinatologist who took care of us with Gabriel's early loss before delivering him at home. We couldn't believe we were yet again making the same drive in the second trimester with the same fear. Would the outcome be different? Would it be THE SAME?? Our nerves were out of control that day. We arrived and the triage nurse tried with the doppler and I told her it's not what I need. I need an ultrasound. She tried for about two minutes and conceded I was right. The same resident doctor who diagnosed Gabriel's fetal demise walked into the room with the machine. This was deja vu truly. Austin held my hand as she put the wand over his heart. I first noticed he didn't move. Then, when I saw the heart not moving at all, I knew. She spoke the words no parents ever want to hear, "I'm sorry. There's no heart beat." I sobbed and cried out, "nooooo, not again!" We just hugged and cried. Again. Again!!
He was resting on his left arm. He didn't move. He looked like he was sleeping.
We were devastated. Our loss was indescribable. It was deeply painful and surreal. Twice in 9 months? Another burial? Another funeral to plan and vault to buy and blankets to choose for burial? Unbelievable. Two days later we returned for a repeat ultrasound to confirm his demise and to also consent to an amniocentesis which weeks later showed he was a perfectly healthy baby. That week we spent wondering when he would come and did a photo shoot at a friend's home using her beautiful landscaping to capture our love for BG7. We delivered him 6 days after we found out he had died on a Sunday morning at home with our midwife present, our doula and a professional birth photographer who captured my labor, his delivery and the family getting to hold him. He had bruising on his face and body and a cord wrapped around his neck and under his left arm pinning his arm up (the arm we saw him "sleeping" on).
Video Montage of those photos set to music - over 2300 views: http://youtu.be/1yjri8fiERo
Samuel's tiny hand in mine just minutes after his birth.
Our family together holding Samuel's tiny, delicate body Sunday morning in our backyard.
We named him after his great-grandfathers and grandfather. Samuel Anthony
He was interred on September 7th beside his brother Gabriel and the remains from our fourth pregnancy (BG4) later named Vivian in the same plot at St. Louis Catholic Cemetery in Clarksville, Maryland.
Laying Samuel to rest by his siblings. Angel babies watching over us.
Good-bye tiny feet... until we meet again. ~ Mommy
St. Gerard, St Catherine of Siena, St Monica, St Mary, pray to Jesus with all of us for protection of BG9 and for a healthy, full pregnancy. God bless this new pregnancy. Amen.
We jumped out and spread out at the various pools to swim and splash and play. About an hour in, the evening thunderstorm came but it didn't crash our party because we hid under a giant pavilion and the club had face painting artists there. The kids ended up over the next hour getting art all over their cheeks, arms, legs, back. We were in our swim suits so lots of skin was showing. I asked for just one. A flower on my round, pregnant belly for BG7 (Baby Groves 7). They obliged and it is a beautiful photo I will never stop cherishing.
Body painted flower at the time Samuel left us.The next day we were busy, busy and I was moving around so much I didn't pay much attention to the fact I didn't feel anything. I woke up at 2AM and it hit me.... I haven't felt the baby move since.. since... since..... Saturday night at the swim club! I panicked because just 9 months before Gabriel died in the second trimester and I delivered him at 17 weeks of pregnancy. Was this happening all over again? Surely, not. I mean, I was healthier and the car accident (a teen recklessly ran a stop sign at the mall and broad-sided our minivan with me driving and the four kids inside... I had a seatbelt bruise and severe pain) was 8 days ago. Surely, he's fine and I'm just over-worried. So, I get out my doppler that morning and I can't find the heart rate. Yes, I had an anterior placenta and it was difficult but I was 18 weeks pregnant. The heart beat should be found fairly easily at this gestational age. We called Austin's father over to watch the kids for us because he was newly retired.
We made the same drive to Sinai hospital to see our perinatologist who took care of us with Gabriel's early loss before delivering him at home. We couldn't believe we were yet again making the same drive in the second trimester with the same fear. Would the outcome be different? Would it be THE SAME?? Our nerves were out of control that day. We arrived and the triage nurse tried with the doppler and I told her it's not what I need. I need an ultrasound. She tried for about two minutes and conceded I was right. The same resident doctor who diagnosed Gabriel's fetal demise walked into the room with the machine. This was deja vu truly. Austin held my hand as she put the wand over his heart. I first noticed he didn't move. Then, when I saw the heart not moving at all, I knew. She spoke the words no parents ever want to hear, "I'm sorry. There's no heart beat." I sobbed and cried out, "nooooo, not again!" We just hugged and cried. Again. Again!!
He was resting on his left arm. He didn't move. He looked like he was sleeping.We were devastated. Our loss was indescribable. It was deeply painful and surreal. Twice in 9 months? Another burial? Another funeral to plan and vault to buy and blankets to choose for burial? Unbelievable. Two days later we returned for a repeat ultrasound to confirm his demise and to also consent to an amniocentesis which weeks later showed he was a perfectly healthy baby. That week we spent wondering when he would come and did a photo shoot at a friend's home using her beautiful landscaping to capture our love for BG7. We delivered him 6 days after we found out he had died on a Sunday morning at home with our midwife present, our doula and a professional birth photographer who captured my labor, his delivery and the family getting to hold him. He had bruising on his face and body and a cord wrapped around his neck and under his left arm pinning his arm up (the arm we saw him "sleeping" on).
Video Montage of those photos set to music - over 2300 views: http://youtu.be/1yjri8fiERo
Samuel's tiny hand in mine just minutes after his birth.Our family together holding Samuel's tiny, delicate body Sunday morning in our backyard.We named him after his great-grandfathers and grandfather. Samuel Anthony
He was interred on September 7th beside his brother Gabriel and the remains from our fourth pregnancy (BG4) later named Vivian in the same plot at St. Louis Catholic Cemetery in Clarksville, Maryland.
Laying Samuel to rest by his siblings. Angel babies watching over us.Good-bye tiny feet... until we meet again. ~ MommySt. Gerard, St Catherine of Siena, St Monica, St Mary, pray to Jesus with all of us for protection of BG9 and for a healthy, full pregnancy. God bless this new pregnancy. Amen.
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